


It's hard to say

by sanity_not_in_tact



Series: 'Platonic' Phan [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: A bit sad soz, Abuse, Apologies, Cuddles, Cute, Fluff, Gen, I don't go into details, Love, Panic Attack, Song fic, and it's not directed at anyone if that makes sense, anyways i'm rambling, basically they just talk about it and try to move on, care, doesn't need to be read after the first one bc it's just part of a platonic series, enjoy, hey're just 'ride' lyrics (TOP), i guess, i hate song fics, i just realised there's also a transphobic slur in this, idk why i made it a song fic, if you've come here for porn sorry to disappoint, it's only said once, it's the 'bundle of sticks' one, kind of, knowing me it'll probably get pre dark somewhere down the line, like they irritate me, may get more intense in later chapters, mentions of THE VIDEO, might add more chapters if it gets a response, no issue with shippers but seriously there are not enough platonic fics for these two, now this is the weird part, questioning the line between romance and friendship, so if you don't want to read about that then there's your warning, so please feel free to completely ignore the italics, so sorry i didn't mention it when i first posted this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-26
Updated: 2015-12-26
Packaged: 2018-05-09 12:49:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5540672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sanity_not_in_tact/pseuds/sanity_not_in_tact
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I don't know if I blacked out,” Phil continued, “Or if I just repressed it, or if I just chose to block you out, or... or if it had something to do with my attack-” He cut himself off, catching sight of Dan's expression as the boy opened his bloodshot eyes. “Dan? Are you okay?”</p><p>“I'm so, so sorry, Phil.”</p><p>Phil shook his head and took Dan's hand. “It's okay, I promise. I forgive you, and I'm fine. I just want to know what happened.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's hard to say

**Author's Note:**

> Abuse tw, I guess? not really, tho.
> 
> As for the weird tone i'm giving the piece, I've often thought about what it means to be in a relationship. I think, if I ever wanted to be in one, it would have to be a friendship. I can't imagine myself marrying someone i'm not friends with, for example. I can't actually imagine getting married, period. but that's irrelevant.  
> Anyways i'm talking about something that i think about a lot in this fic, and that is whether there's a defined line between a friendship and a romance. labels, i think, are a funny little thing that humans do in order to make sense of things, and they can sometimes prevent us from seeing the truth. 'friends' implies less of a connection than 'lovers', but why? i've had friendships that are more intense than many marriages i've seen, and i've even had break-ups with friends. friends leaving you, fading away or backstabbing you hurts like a fucking bitch, so who's to say that friendships are any less intense than a 'romantic' relationship? it's all a big jumble in my head, tbh, because for some reason i can't quite grasp the concept of the two forms of human relations being so different. such a mindset could come back to bite me should i find a partner someday, but for now, i dream of being in a committed relationship with a friend. a bit like what dan and phil have
> 
> so have a little bit of dan thinking about love, and a little bit of him apologising for something that happened almost four years ago between he and phil. enjoy

Dan often wonders what would happen if he filmed every moment the two of them shared together for a whole day and then posted it on YouTube. The whole thing, no editing, every single little moment... maybe excluding bathroom breaks, and no cheating! Everything, and no acknowledging the camera. Breakfasts watching anime, arguing over who does the shopping, practically sitting on top of each other on the couch for a minimum of six hours probably... he imagines it'd be a mess. He actually wouldn't be surprised if a couple of fangirls had actual real heart-attacks. And he knows it's ridiculous to play into the stereotype but lets be real there are a lot of teenagers out there who's lives would be complete if they got together. But they're not together.  
  
Dan loves Phil more than absolutely any other human on the planet, including, although he won't admit it, his family. Phil means more to him than his own life. In fact, he means more to him than anything. At all. Which is kinda scary, but completely true. They have never once considered getting 'together', whatever that means, they've never once been drunk enough to do anything and, as far as Dan knows, neither of them have ever wanted to and, actually, he's totally okay with that.  
  
There are a lot of things that Dan's uncertain about, but what he feels for Phil isn't one of them. He is absolutely, one hundred per cent certain that he is completely happy and satisfied with what they have now, a friendship... although, now he thinks about it, that word does sound a little inadequate.  
  
Despite all this, he knows, without a doubt, that if the fans saw the way they interacted on a daily basis, nobody would ever believe that they're just friends. Well, he supposes they're not just friends. But that's just the problem, in all honesty; and that is labels. He knows people think that a dislike of labels is silly, but he just doesn't think that holding hands and going on dates together makes much a of a difference. Would he be forced to call it a romance if they did that? He spends almost every moment of every day with Phil no more than a few metres away and he still wouldn't call it a romance, but would something as simple as a dinner date or PDA of any kind change that? It seems a bit ridiculous, to him. So, he breaks it down, and analyses it, just like he does with everything else. **Sigh.**

What does it mean to be in a romantic relationship with someone? It's not got anything to do with how much time you spend with the other person, because a lot of people spend their whole lives with other people and still wouldn't call it a romance. Has it got to do with what you would do for the other person? He hopes not, because then he'd be done for. But no, that can't be it. Is it the things you're willing to do with someone that makes the difference? Well, that just sounds wrong. Maybe he's taking the wrong angle. Maybe that could mean something other than just sex and being intimate. Maybe it has to do with whether they're willing to go out of their way for the other person, and to join their journey regardless of how they feel about it. But that's just as much of a consent issue as being intimate. I mean, think about it. One partner wants to move to the other side of the country, the other doesn't. It's not right to imply that the second has to go with the first just because they're romantically involved. No, the only explanation is that the difference between a friendship and a romance is how you feel about each other. But then, if Phil means literally everything to Dan, and he still doesn't feel romantically for him, then does that just means that the line between friendship and romance is non-existent and the two labels are just like the name we give to a table and a chair, a category we put an object or situation into in order to make sense of the shitstorm that is life on earth. But we're getting into deeper, even more disconcerting questions, and Dan's not feeling like lying face-down on the floor again.

  
_I just wanna stay in the sun where I find_  
_I know it's hard sometimes_  
_Pieces of peace in the sun's peace of mind_  
_I know it's hard sometimes_

  
So, maybe what they have is a romance. Who the fuck knows, and honestly who cares? Dan doesn't, if he's honest with himself. He smiles to himself. Much has changed in himself since 2012, and he's so fucking relieved that it has. What he knows, however, is that he doesn't feel the need for a romantic relationship with Phil. There no way of knowing if Phil feels the same way, really. He supposes that, if Phil asked for it, he'd have no trouble agreeing to give it a shot. Not just because he'd do anything for Phil, no. He just thinks that he's so comfortable with the excited ball of sunshine that he'd be willing to try anything, and probably find that he enjoys it completely.

Even _that_ , probably. He laughs to himself, because it's so childish to be unable to even _think_ the actual word. Sex. That's the word. Does he want to have sex with Phil? Well, he found he can't really answer that question. He'd have to try it. He's pretty sure it wouldn't exactly make him uncomfortable, but he might not really enjoy it. Who knows. Maybe someday he'd find out.

He laughed to himself, making the bed shake as he lay there staring at his ceiling. That's a weird thought. It could actually happen, he thinks. But then, would it really change anything? Would they call it a _relationship_ relationship if they did have sex? Probably not. There's even a label for that, he mused. 'friends with benefits'. How crude. It sounds like some boring canned laughter line from a sitcom, which is certainly not how he'd choose to describe his relationship with Phil.

No, it would change nothing. Unless Phil wanted it to. God, that sounds so wrong, as if Dan would just be willing to do whatever Phil wants, regardless of his own feelings, just to please him. But that's not really the case. He's just so close to Phil and trusts him so completely that he would absolutely have no problem with wherever Phil wanted to take the relationship. That's a strange thought. The two of them coming out to the internet, holding hands, going on dates, kissing, sex, all that jazz. If he's completely honest with himself, they do a lot of that stuff already, it's just not what they'd call it. They go to movies together, one of them will occasionally literally sit on the other's lap, among other things like sometimes sleeping in the same bed and the stupidly fluffy fanfic type stuff like stargazing on camp trips, petty, half-arsed arguments and chasing each other around the flat in an attempt to claim the remote (usually ending in a dramatic fall down the stairs or a broken candle holder). Dan caught himself actually blushing at the memories of Phil complimenting him, and mentally face-palmed as he recalled all the times an accidental cheesy line slipped, often on a fucking liveshow, of all things.

Couples are meant to argue sometimes, right? Well, unless you count the MarioKart 'banter' and arguments about Phil eating all the cereal or leaving his socks everywhere or taking all the towels, or Dan accidentally breaking something or slamming a door, which are always just tiny little annoyed monologues followed by an apology, or a light 'argument' which is really something closer to a game of Who Has the Best Comeback.

Dan's stomach dropped. No, he'd been lying to himself. They had once had an argument. It was nearly four years ago, but he remembered every single second of it... because he regrets it so much. It sounds ridiculous but the thing he regrets most is an argument. He used to think about it a lot. He hated himself for it for a long time, but he thinks about it less and less. Still, it props up way more than he would like it to.

Jesus christ, poor Phil. The things he said that day were unforgivable. Not to mention everything else he'd done.

He cringed and massaged his temples, closing his eyes. He'd broken a plate, as he recalled. It doesn't sound serious, but it was. He threw it at the wall next to Phil's head in a rage, and scared the most important person in his life into a panic-attack. And plus, he could have actually hit Phil. God, He was such an idiot.

 

_Yeah, I think about the end just way too much_  
_But it's fun to fantasize_  
_On my enemies I wouldn't wish who I was_  
_But it's fun to fantasize_

 

He was snapped out of his dark thoughts by a knock on the door.

“Dan?” Came a voice from the other side.

Dan sighed, but remained silent. Phil knew that he was welcome, and Dan didn't see the need to answer, and honestly didn't have the energy.

Phil gingerly turned the handle and opened the door, peeping his head around. Even after all this time, Dan couldn't help but giggle at how adorable the man was.

“Hi, there.” Dan said, not bothering to get up, and returning his gaze to the ceiling.

“How long have you been lying there overthinking everything?”

“A while. I was on Tumblr a minute ago, and I don't really remember putting my laptop down.”

“Can I come lie with you?”

“Of course,” Dan said, with no hesitation, patting the duvet beside him. Phil shuffled over and then dropped down next to Dan, making the bed bounce and throw Dan half a foot in the air, making him giggle.

They sat in comfortable silence for a bit, both staring at the cracks in the plaster and feeling no particular need to fill the silence. Except, Dan could almost feel Phil bursting to say something. He let the seconds tick by, however, confident that he'd talk when he was ready.

“Hey, Dan?” Ah, there it is.

“Yes, Phil?”

“I want to talk about something.”

“Oh shit, what did I do?”

“Nothing. I just want to talk.”

“About something specific?” Dan teased.

Phil nudged him playfully, “Idiot.”

“Spill, before I have a heart-attack.”

“Please don't get mad?”

“I could never get mad at you. You can talk to me about anything, you know that.”

“I... Well, I wanted to talk about about _the video_.” He put the stress on it, so Dan knew what he was talking about.

Dan paused in shock, opening his mouth to say something, but Phil cut him off before he had the chance.

“I mean, we don't have to. I'm sorry to bring it up I know you don't like to talk about it andIunderstandIfyoudon'twantto-”

“Phil, breathe. It's okay. Shit, you really think I'm going to get mad, don't you. I'm so sorry, Phil. I hadn't realised you wanted to talk about it or I would have brought it up sooner. You start, when you're ready.”

He turned his head to look at him and smiled as Phil did the same. Phil just swallowed, seemingly unable to attempt a smile.

 

 _Oh, oh, I'm falling,_  
_so I'm taking my time on my ride_  
_Oh, I'm falling,_  
_so I'm taking my time on my ride_  
_Taking my time on my ride_

 

Finally, he spoke, “I... Um. I want some answers. I don't really remember everything of what happened the night we had a fight,”

Dan closed his eyes and felt his chest tighten. _He was so terrified he doesn't remember. Fuck you, Daniel James Howel._

“I don't know if I blacked out,” Phil continued, “Or if I just repressed it, or if I just chose to block you out, or... or if it had something to do with my attack-” He cut himself off, catching sight of Dan's expression as the boy opened his bloodshot eyes. “Dan? Are you okay?”

“I'm so, so sorry, Phil.”

Phil shook his head and took Dan's hand. “It's okay, I promise. I forgive you, and I'm fine. I just want to know what happened.” Phil's voice was steady, but Dan wasn't sure he'd sound so confident.

“What-” He cut off. Sure enough, his voice broke. He cleared his throat, and tried again, “What do you remember?”

“Not much. There was a lot of noise. The tiles in that old kitchen made everything loud and I couldn't breathe so I was a bit overwhelmed. I just remember feeling uncomfortable from the harsh lighting and loud noises and panic.”

 

_"I'd die for you, " that's easy to say_  
_We have a list of people that we would take_  
_A bullet for them, a bullet for you_  
_A bullet for everybody in this room_  
_But I don't seem to see many bullets coming through_  
_See many bullets coming through_  
_Metaphorically, I'm the man But literally, I don't know what I'd do_

 

Dan bit his lip, closing his eyes as if to block out his problems. “It's gonna sound really shitty and self-important and like I'm trying to excuse my behaviour, but before I tell you anything I want you to know that I would never, ever do this to you again and it is my biggest regret. I shouted at you. A lot. I called you names I promised myself never to say out loud. And...” He took a breath in, “I broke something. I threw it against the wall next to your head, making you think I was aiming at you. That's what I think started the attack. I'm so, so sorry-”

“Stop apologising,” Phil cut him off. “It was so long ago.”

Dan scoffed, “Doesn't excuse it.”

“No, it doesn't. But Dan, look at me, please,”

Dan did as he said, slowly opening his eyes, but not really reaching Phil's gaze,

“I forgive you, and I'm okay.”

“No, you're not. You still thought I'd get mad at you. You're clearly worried I'd do that again. And you'd be justified in thinking so. I hurt you and I can never take that back.”

“But you didn't hurt me, Dan.”

“Not physically, but yes, I did.”

“Dan... Are you still okay to keep talking about this?”

Dan laughed, “I'm not the one who should be having a hard time talking about this.”

“That's not true. Regret is one of the worst emotions.”

“So? I'm not the victim.”

“So you don't mind if we keep talking about it?”

“You deserve to know what happened.”

“Okay... Only answer this if you're sure, but what did you say?”

 

_"I'd live for you, " and that's hard to do_  
_Even harder to say when you know it's not true_  
_Even harder to write when you know that tonight_  
_There were people back home who tried talking to you_  
_But then you ignored them still_  
_All these questions they're for real like_  
_Who would you live for? Who would you die for?_  
_And would you ever kill?_

 

Dan heaved a big sigh and pursed his lips. He breathed a few times, and then spoke. “I was angry, and scared of what the video meant. I don't know why I was angry at you. It wasn't even your fault. I guess I needed someone to blame it on, so I blamed it on you. I told you off, to put it lightly, for uploading something so explosive to the internet. I told you you were stupid and didn't know how serious it was. I told you you hadn't thought properly and had done something that would ruin us forever, and that I didn't want to hear any excuses.” He looked Phil in the eye now, “I remember every second of what happened next, because I regretted it as soon as I said it. I said I wasn't a filthy faggot, like you, and that I was disgraced that you'd suggested it. You tried to tell me that there was nothing wrong with being gay, and that's when I threw the plate at your head.”

Phil smiled sadly, and squeezed Dan's hand. Dan took that as reassurance, and continued. “I think that's when you started to panic. I must have scared you to death, I'm so sorry. Plus, I could have actually hit you, and that thought still haunts me. I think you were still aware for the next thing I said. You were still standing, at least, but you were leaning on the counter for support. I said another thing that I'd vowed never to say to anyone, under any circumstances, ever.” He hated that he had to pause for a moment to breathe, but his chest was tightening and he couldn't seem to pace himself properly. “I told you to kill yourself.” Dan just stopped and stared at the hem of Phil's shirt, waiting for Phil to say something.

Eventually, Phil responded. “It's okay Dan. I'm fine, now. You don't have to feel guilty about that, anymore.”

Dan was amazed by how steady Phil's voice sounded. It gave him the confidence to continue. “I'm really, really sorry. You were panicking, and by that point you were on the floor. I hated myself for everything I'd said and done, but, instead of making sure you were okay, I left you there, slamming the door behind me. I didn't sleep that night. Or most nights the following year, in fact, and the reason I never made amends was because I was so ashamed. I realise how selfish that was, now, nearly four years too late. I should have made sure that you were okay straight away. I should have thought about how you must be taking it, rather than just silently regretting it. I'm so sorry we didn't talk about this sooner.”

 

_Oh, oh, I'm falling, so I'm taking my time on my ride_  
_Oh, I'm falling, so I'm taking my time_  
_Taking my time on my ride_

 

“Dan, are you crying?” Dan sniffled, not sure if he could feel tear tracks down his face or if he was just flushed. He shrugged, “Possibly.”

Phil spread his arms, and Dan curled into them, hiding his face in the crook of Phil's neck.

“Dan, listen. I didn't bring this up sooner, either. I'm glad we waited. I don't know if either of us were ready to talk about it sooner. Maybe I was a little bit worried you'd react badly if I brought it up, but I'm not now.”

Dan started sobbing, silently hating himself for being the one being comforted, and not comforting. “Sorry. 'Sorry' sounds so inadequate but it's all I've got.”

“I forgive you. Completely. And I trust you, Dan. It's been four years and I have found no reason not to trust you completely since. You were scared, just like me, and we had different ways of reacting to that. Granted, yours was a little more destructive, but that's okay, because I'm fine and we're both still together and apparently comfortable enough to have this conversation, so that has to count for something.”

Dan just nodded, and sighed, his voice still a little shaky. “By the way, before the video was made public, it made me really, really happy.”

“Really?” Phil giggled.

“Really, really.”

“I'm glad.” Phil said, rubbing Dan's back. “And Dan?”

“Yeah.”

“I want you to stop feeling guilty about this. We've talked about it, now. Both of us know what happened, and I want to finally put it behind us. I'm not saying we should forget it, but let's not allow the past to taint the future, okay?”

“I'll try, but I can't promise anything.”

“That will do, for now.”

 

_I've been thinking too much_  
_Help me_  
_I've been thinking too much_  
_Help me_

 

“Thanks.”

“For what?”

“For making me finally fucking apologise, and for talking about it.”

Phil hugged him tighter and sighed. “Four years.”

“How did we survive that for four years?” Dan wondered with him.

“Really says something, don't you think?”

“Yeah, it says we're both really good at denial and clinging on for dear life.”

“I think it just says we trust each other.”

“That's a nicer theory.”

“I love you, Dan.”

“I love you, too.” It was the truth, romantic or not.

_I've been thinking too much (I've been thinking too much)_  
_I've been thinking too much (Help me)_  
_I've been thinking too much (I've been thinking too much)_  
_I've been thinking too much Help me_

**Author's Note:**

> so here's the bribe. you give me kudos and comments, and i'll consider adding more chapters if it gets enough attention. deal?
> 
> love yall. thanks for reading. i know it's a bit unusual but hey at least it's not foot play or daddy kink. you're welcome for that btw (no kinkshaming but kinda kindshaming bc where tf have all the daddy kink fics come from???"
> 
> also i get tenses a bit muddled, simply because i get so lost in my writing that i forget the tense. sorry about that, and if you want to correct it i'd be delighted.


End file.
